Oh you want to see my resume before you use my service you say? You this is a scam do you?
Ok this year I really liked Herman Cain. He had a simple plan, he is a good communicator, and really knows how to stay on message. No sooner did I send him $20, two women crawled out of the woodwork and accused Herman of sexual improprieties. It smelled fishy to me, especially with Gloria Allred there leading them on. Maybe the fishy smell was from the women and not the situation I don’t know but I didn’t like what I was seeing. I sent him $20 more to help him fight the accusations, and that was the last nail in the coffin of his political career. 9-9-9 my arse Herman.
But did I really alter history by backing a candidate? Read on.
Next I threw my hefty financial backing behind Newt Gingrich. A brilliant man with lofty ideas to inspire our souls. Soon as I sent him his first $20 from me, Mitt Romney opened the floodgates of his bank account and beat Newt to a pulp in Florida.
That is not right I thought. Mitt is buying the election.
I opened my own floodgate, sent $20 more to help Newt get his footing, and sat back to my disbelief (although I secretly deep down knew I was in control of Newt’s fate) to hear Mr. Newt “I am going to Florida no matter what” Gingrich say he has reconsidered going to Florida after facing the reality of his situation.
Still think I didn’t back these candidates to their doom?
Well I backed Jessie Jackson and Ross Perot and they dropped out or lost.
There were a few times I voted for someone who did win I have to admit. I voted for Reagan and someone shot him. I voted for George W and he left office pretty much disgraced. What I am saying is that if the election does not turn out how you want after you send me your money, at least the candidate you don’t like will be shot or disgraced.
So as a freebee for those of you that do not care for Ron Paul, I am backing him now. Watch and see what happens to him if you are still skeptical.
So how do you engage my services? You just have to let me know which candidate you don’t care for in the comment section of a $20 PayPall amount sent to firstname.lastname@example.org. I may ask for an additional $20 if needed – but only if needed.
Then you just sit back and watch your guy get all the breaks and become your next president.