I have been a kicker magnet for as long as I can remember.
If you yourself are a kicker or you are not a kicker but also not a kicker magnet, you may not know what kicker is. That is because it is believed by some magnets that the kickers don’t know they are kickers.
The kicker magnet is someone whose derrière, when it comes into contact with a paid sitting arrangment-a theater seat for example- will with a force of nature not yet fully understood my mortal man draw a toe taper in to his vacinity to tap tap tap on the back of their seat.
Believe you me I have gone into a theater with a total of no more than ten patrons, gone to the second to the last row in the highest altitude seating section in the place, and patron number eleven comes in at the last minute and sits behind me and begins his torment.
Tap——tap-taptap————-tap ——-tap——–tap—-It never fails.
My personal Edgar Allen Poeish raven tormenting me to the point of insanity follows me to any theater or paid seating arrangement I would hope to visit. Sometimes in the form of a child eating popcorn, or a fragile old woman, or a three hundred pound bald headed behemoth. Tormenting me, watching me, able to hear and find glee in my silent screams.
Now being a curmudgeon, I am a bit like the Adam Sandler Water Boy character in that I don’t have what you would call “the social skills”. I am uncomfortable with verbal confrontations and try to sit there patiently hoping upon hope it will stop after the next tap sends that chilling pain up my tail bone through to my last nerve. tap
Sometimes the kicker will slyly sit a seat or two away, allowing the vibrations to travel from two or three seats away to my sickened last nerve. This makes it difficult when I finally work up the boldness to swing around to say “please stop kicking my chair” only to be met by a row of faces in shadows with looks of incredulousness. The tapping usually stops after an outburst like this. For a while.
After consulting my wife who happens to be pregnant with our third child, we have come upon a solution. A kicker barrier if you will. It doubles the cost of admission for me and my wife to a theater but seems to be working.
We have begun taking our two children with us when we go out to a paid seating arrangement and they sit directly behind us. A kicker can’t get close enough to do any harm.
Last night my pregnant wife excitedly called me into the bedroom.
“Put your hand on my stomach. Feel this quick!” she said.
I placed the palm of my hand on an oblong bulge of her firm belly and began to smile. Then I began to feel queasiness in my stomach and I broke into a cold sweat as I felt ..