ce que je sais

After consulting with the three wise men at the Sun Valley Mall in Concord, California,

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they have confirmed and I have no reason not to believe them, that the answer to the ultimate question of life is indeed the number 42.

Who would have thought I would learn this on New Year’s Eve while pondering tea for two at a Starbuck’s coffee shop in a mall?

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I implore you to keep this information to yourself as knowledge of this type could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Also if you let this knowledge slip, you may have a visit paid to you by My Little Friend. .

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Unfortunately for me, I am 52 now so I learned this piece of information a decade too late to be of optimum use. I hope you are able to make use of it and Happy New Year.

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Spending time with his Mother

Its Mom ‘s special day. Her Son is taking her out.
Out for a walk and a picnic on the glorious Alfred Zampa bridge no less.

That proud monument spanning the Carquinez Strait, honoring the working men and women who built this country.

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A very special place for her Son’s special girl. She will enjoy herself as she did when she was young. Her Son knows about her incontinence and assured her he doesn’t mind.

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“Look Son Look” she says excitedly.” “They have free handbags for the taking!”
But her Son decides these are not good enough for His special Mom and they begin their walk.

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For a special day a special drink and her son breaks out the good stuff. No waste container near – no problem. Someone else will pick it up.

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“Son I feel my stomach acting up” Mom wispers.
“Don’t worry about it Mom” her son says to his Mother as Mom’s little secret comes out.

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“Mom I bought you a present and just leave the wrapper there. I am sure nobody will mind”.

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Mom’s stomach acts up again but the son is sure nobody will mind.

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They stop for some lunch and then are on their way again after Mom’s little secret is out.

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What a wonderful day for a Son’s special lady and a walk on the Al Zampa bridge. That monument to the proud working men and women who built this country.

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And how nice it was for that Son Of A Bitch to take his Mom out for a walk.

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Cringing

I am here with my significant other waiting too long for the service center to complete installation of the overpriced tires we just went in debt purchasing.

So help me God, I swear my nerves are going to implode if my significant other once again makes that sucking sound with her teeth, if she belches, or if she again uses her fingernail to pull food from between her teeth.

It will be nice to have new tires on the car though.

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A cheap Christmas

My wife came home from a Christmas party last night and told me her friend said she spent two thousand dollars on Christmas gifts this year. “That is ridiculous!” I said. “What did you receive from her?”

The friend had given my wife twelve dry looking homemade cookies in a recycled plastic container. “Who got the remaining $1,999.55? ” I asked.

The maturing curmudgeon that I am, I am not really interesting in swapping gifts or at least not expensive junk manufactured in China that will be forgotten before their warranties wear off.

Those dry cookies and me not wanting to get too involved reminds me of a story.

When I was about twenty two, I had a job in Marin County as a caretaker for an old fellow named Ed who had Alzheimer’s. Basically my job was to make sure Ed didn’t get out bed and wander off in the middle of the night while his wife Mary was working her graveyard shift at the San Francisco Examiner newspaper.

One morning near Christmas time I was talking with Mary about Christmas shopping and it’s expense as she was shaving her husband’s whiskers. Ed was a frail old guy that could do almost nothing for himself and he almost said nothing for the entire few months I had been working there.

On this morning all of a sudden he joined the conversation with one of the funniest stories I could imagine. He said, “One time I was not wanting to buy gifts so I told them I was robbed as I was leaving the bank just after withdrawing all my money to by Christmas gifts”.
This story has been with me for thirty years and I still smile when I think about that old guy that
rarely said more than one word at a time coming up with that clever story. He didn’t need to buy gifts and also received their sympathy in one shot.

Old Ed may have been on to something. In the spirit of the season and Ed’s story I am thinking of ways to get out of spending much. Two things have come to mind in the way of having a cheep Christmas.

First maybe I am thinking we can pass out gift cards from the Dollar Store.

My wife was laid off from her place of employment five month ago and has been
very depressed about it. Last week she received great news that she has been rehired and she waisted no time spreading the good news about it. “Why in the hell didn’t you keep the news to yourself? I asked. “Now people are going to think you have money and will be expecting expensive gifts”. Too late for that one to work.

Do you have any ideas to help me out?